I cannot pretend that my favorite comedian actually watches the NFL. Knowing how he feels about most popular things, he'd probably find a way to make fun of it. Also, I did not consult him for a quote for each game, just found ones I liked and used them here. Have fun!
Steelers over Chargers - "Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit." The Chargers haven't lost a game in December under Norv Turner. Unfortunately they haven't won one in January... and the other months don't treat them that well either.
Bengals over Browns - "MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!" ... as the Browns are to football.
Titans over Jaguars - "It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!" It's really perplexing that the Titans are 0-3. What happened to the best team in the AFC from last year?
Colts over Seahawks - "When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, 'if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.'" I'm not sure which is more confusing, the Seahawks' offensive gameplans, or their day-glow green jerseys.
Cowboys over Broncos - "What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks." It's the same as the difference between the Cowboys and the Broncos.
Bear over Lions - "Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'" Didn't this game used to be on Thanksgiving? Why do I have to be subjected to this without turkey and stuffing?
Giants over Chiefs - "Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out." See, I'm a Chiefs fan, which, right now, means I don't care very much about the NFL.
Patriots over Ravens - "A week ago today, the northeast experienced the biggest blackout in history. And since then, everyone's been sharing their stories of how they got through the blackout. And I'd just like to say to them: SHUT UP!" Yeah, shut up, Patriots fans! Just 'cause you missed the playoffs last year and haven't looked good yet, it's no reason to panic.
Buccaneers over Redskins - "Then of course, there's Dennis Kozlowski. He took from his company 463 million dollars because, well, he had to buy shit. Are you kiddin' me? He gets on the phone: I'd like all the corn in Iowa... 'Cause I'm having a ho-down.'" Basically, Dan Synder is better off spending his money on corn than on this football team.
Dolphins over Bills - "And then there's the Homeland Security system, they had it colour-coded, like we're in fucking elementery school! Simplify it, there should be just three levels of security; Jesus Christ, Goddammit, FUCK ME!" Really, Miami needs to be more simple on offense. Don't force yourselves to run X number of Wildcat plays every game.
Texans over Raiders - "I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; 'That George Bush, he's a great leader.' And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?" Really, Al Davis is still in charge of an NFL Franchise? They let zombies have positions of authority?
Vikings over Packers - "These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!" Hey, Packers fans, don't try to kill Brett Favre after Monday night's loss. It's not his fault you can't stop the run.
Jets over Saints - "Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness." This one is dedicated to NFL parity. Only in the NFL could we have a possible Super Bowl preview in week 4 between the Jets and the Saints. Am I dead? Is this hell?
49ers over Rams - "If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands and push them closer." Really, if the Rams want to be an NFL team, they need to start playing like one. At least figure out why your offense went from "best ever" to "what offense?"
Last week: 13-3
Season: 34-14 (87th percentile)
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